Thanksgiving Rules Revised

Article XII of the 1663 Jamestown Convention has been amended as of this date to include the following:

11. You will be videotaped by your most moronic relation. Failing to coöperate by smiling / making funny faces / rushing the lens carries the penalty of spending next Thanksgiving at this relation’s home.

12. Vacating the premises before Thanksgiving dinner is served in order to “get a breath of fresh air,” “check the pressure in the tires,” or “watch for shooting stars” will now be considered a desertion of familial responsibilities, punishable by talking college football with an in-law for thirty minutes without the aid of an alcoholic beverage.