How Hillary Clinton wishes the Wiki-Leaked cables had read:
SOURCE: Embassy Berlin
SUBJECT: AL-WASSAM RENDITION
1. (S/NF) Following a series of heated telephone exchanges, Deputy Chief of Mission (DCM) met face to face with German deputy Rolf Müller to discuss the abduction and rendition of German national who CIA believed was Al Qaeda mastermind Abdul al-Wassam—later discovered to be Wacky Fritz, a popular children’s television personality.
2. (S/NF) DCM responded to Müller’s concerns in a calm, mellifluous voice—his tone equal parts firm and soothing—artfully defending the CIA’s methods while reiterating USG’s deepest regard for both Wacky Fritz and the larger community of German children’s television personalities.
3. (S/NF) Within five minutes, Müller appeared wholly mollified—perhaps even touched—by DCM’s argument. Schnapps was poured and the meeting concluded with warm embraces and assurances of mutual coöperation, at which point Müller volunteered the address of Hoppy Boing Boing, a beloved Stuttgart-based kangaroo puppet with suspected ties to North Korea. (END DISPATCH.)