What Is Republicare?

Republicare is the non-socialistic, non-handout, non-affordable insurance program that insures health-care providers against catastrophic profit-margin problems.

Republicare includes all insurance providers, lobbyists, pharmaceutical manufacturers, medical-equipment providers, banks, savings & loans, and collection agencies licensed by Republicare, Inc. to take money from people who claim to be “sick.”*

* This includes “seniors”—defined by Republicare as any living person too enfeebled by age to know that he or she should have put away enough money to pay for keeping him or herself alive, yet is too stubborn to expire.

—Bruce McCall. For more: http://nyr.kr/194BUbM

(Source: newyorker.com)

In a dramatic departure from existing White House procedures, President Obama requested today that his staff start cc’ing him on stuff.

Look, I know a lot of you think I’m really busy and you don’t want to bother me,” the President reportedly told his staff in an Oval Office meeting. “But cc me anyway. It’s good for me to keep up on what’s going on around here.”

—Andy Borowitz. For more:  http://nyr.kr/12MlQYQ

 

(Source: newyorker.com)

My darling David,

Don’t let these earthly considerations stand in the way of our relationship. Getting to know Tumblr has been the biggest joy of my life. I have never felt so young, so alive, so full of hope for the future as when I am watching your metrics rise exponentially each day.

Oh, I was looking at some of your photos online the other day. Please don’t wear your Google Glass when I introduce you to my board. I want them to approve of you.

All my love, Marissa

—Caitlin Kelly imagines an exchange between Marissa Mayer and David Karp: http://nyr.kr/19XTw6V

Did I campaign for my titles? Yes, I’ll be honest, because, as anyone who’s ever read my blog, Goop, which is a combination of “good” and “poop,” will tell you, I’m a firm believer in hard work and discipline. So, when I first heard rumors about the possibility of a People cover, I did start a whispering campaign. 

In this week’s Shouts & Murmurs column, Paul Rudnick imagines Gwyneth Paltrow’s response to being named both the Most Hated Celebrity and World’s Most Beautiful Woman: http://nyr.kr/16APZya

(Source: newyorker.com)

So, to sum up, I’d like to look blithe, beautiful, like I could barely even make it to this wedding because I had so much going on, and also maybe like I just woke up from napping with some doves, but also really sophisticated, like I’m seriously about to put on some sexy glasses and flip angrily through my Filofax, and all of this is signified by my offhand yet gorgeous and strategically tousled up-do. Is that possible?

By Emma Rathbone: http://nyr.kr/17JTvEw

(Source: newyorker.com)

Yoni Brenner imagines a conversation between Hitler and three of his generals about Justin Bieber: http://nyr.kr/10ipQM5

(Source: newyorker.com)

In Shouts & Murmurs, Jesse Eisenberg imagines what happens when a marriage counselor tries to heckle at a Knicks game: “If we’re going to count the score, why not count smiles? Or pats on the back? Or simple gestures that tell the other person, ‘Hey, I get it’?”http://nyr.kr/15RSI5O

The Borowitz Report on yesterday’s AP Twitter hack: “In a few short years, Twitter has evolved from a mere waste of time into a force capable of massive havoc and destruction.” http://nyr.kr/11kohzv

(Source: newyorker.com)