It was both a good year and a bad one for conspiracy theories and theorists. For one thing, Neil Armstrong died. That was sad for many reasons; included among them is that now he’ll never be able to reveal the secret about the moon landing. On the other hand, it was a Presidential-election year, a particularly fertile time for conspiracy theorizing. People are fixated on an enemy, and they just need to take the next step and imagine all of the diabolical things that enemy could be up to. They certainly did plenty of that in 2012. Here are twelve of the highlights of the year’s conspiracy theories. For the record, none of them are true.
What another fine mess Mitt Romney has gotten himself into. In telling some of his big campaign contributors, on a Wednesday conference call listened in on by at leasttwo reporters, that he lost the election because President Obama bestowed “gifts” on blacks, Hispanics, and young voters, the Mittster has brought another large heap of opprobrium down upon his finely chiseled numbskull, including some finely crafted words of criticism from my colleague Alex Koppelman. As usual with Romney, it’s hard to tell whether his biggest problem is his thorny relationship to the English language, his rich-guy empathy deficit, or his stunning disregard for, or obliviousness to, how his words will be received. Whatever the problem is, I thought, as a parting gift to someone who rarely failed to deliver for the campaign press, I’d do a quick translation. Here, then, is what, I’m sure, Romney meant to say
BOCA RATON, Fla. (The Borowitz Report)—With just hours to go until the third and final Presidential debate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney today voiced his support “for a woman’s most precious right: to choose what she makes for dinner.” Continue reading.
"I swear I could hear liberals and Democrats all across the city—make that all across the country—leaping to their feet and shouting, “You go, Barack!” This was the Obama they had been looking for in Denver a couple of weeks ago."
Here’s a sneak preview of next week’s cover, “One on One,” by Barry Blitt. “This image seemed like a proper response to the first Presidential debate,” says Blitt, “but I’m not sure I realized how hard it is to caricature furniture.”
For all the reasons I’ve been banging on about ad nauseam in recent weeks, he’s still a long shot (a very long shot), but here are six reasons why his campaign will be going into Denver with their hopes up…
After watching Sunday’s epic comeback by the European team in the Ryder Cup, I think the solution for Mitt Romney’s problems is obvious. With his first prime-time showdown with Barack Obama just two days away, he needs to hire as his debate coach Ian Poulter, the strutting English peacock who inspired the Euros to pull a Jesus act.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With the first Presidential debate just two days away, G.O.P. nominee Mitt Romney has been working intensively on two skills that have eluded him throughout the campaign: talking and thinking. Continue reading.