Did I campaign for my titles? Yes, I’ll be honest, because, as anyone who’s ever read my blog, Goop, which is a combination of “good” and “poop,” will tell you, I’m a firm believer in hard work and discipline. So, when I first heard rumors about the possibility of a People cover, I did start a whispering campaign. 

In this week’s Shouts & Murmurs column, Paul Rudnick imagines Gwyneth Paltrow’s response to being named both the Most Hated Celebrity and World’s Most Beautiful Woman: http://nyr.kr/16APZya

(Source: newyorker.com)

So, to sum up, I’d like to look blithe, beautiful, like I could barely even make it to this wedding because I had so much going on, and also maybe like I just woke up from napping with some doves, but also really sophisticated, like I’m seriously about to put on some sexy glasses and flip angrily through my Filofax, and all of this is signified by my offhand yet gorgeous and strategically tousled up-do. Is that possible?

By Emma Rathbone: http://nyr.kr/17JTvEw

(Source: newyorker.com)

Yoni Brenner imagines a conversation between Hitler and three of his generals about Justin Bieber: http://nyr.kr/10ipQM5

(Source: newyorker.com)

In Shouts & Murmurs, Jesse Eisenberg imagines what happens when a marriage counselor tries to heckle at a Knicks game: “If we’re going to count the score, why not count smiles? Or pats on the back? Or simple gestures that tell the other person, ‘Hey, I get it’?”http://nyr.kr/15RSI5O

The Borowitz Report on yesterday’s AP Twitter hack: “In a few short years, Twitter has evolved from a mere waste of time into a force capable of massive havoc and destruction.” http://nyr.kr/11kohzv

(Source: newyorker.com)

MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Before a rapt audience at Facebook headquarters Thursday, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg unveiled new software that he promised “will totally change the way you are wasting your life.”

Explaining the development of Facebook’s new phone software, Home, Mr. Zuckerberg said, “Our research showed that Facebook users still had a few hours a day when they were leading somewhat healthy and productive lives. Our new software will change all of that.”

Shouts & Murmurs by Joe Veix: “Loneli: This app geolocates all the friends and lovers who have abandoned you, and then determines the real reasons they left,” and other “apps for saps” http://nyr.kr/14F8bps

DAD: Thank you all so much for coming. Like every year, we’re going to go around in a circle and read selections from the Haggadah. Everyone will get a turn and no one will be bored.

MOM: Everyone fill up your glasses! Bill, wine?

WACKY UNCLE: I don’t want to sing “Dayenu” too loudly again, threateningly emphasizing the ‘die’ part while glaring at my ex-wife, so I’ll stick with grape juice.

DAD: Is everyone ready to read?

SCAPEGOAT CHILD: Oh boy, I hope I get appointed ‘evil son’ again…

Julie Shain imagines the Passover Seder You Didn’t Have: http://nyr.kr/XlrqRN